11 days away

The closer I get to leaving for Haiti, the more aware I am of the enemy's attacks on my life. Boy is he coming on strong. My anxiety is worse than it's been in a while. My airplane dreams are crazier than ever. My nerves are high and short-fused. Up and down emotions. I think because this trip is encompassing a lot of unknown and a lot of firsts for me. My first time flying, my first time on a mission trip out of the country, being the farthest I've ever been away from home or my family/friends/comfort zone, my first time to be in complete reliance on the Lord. I know that's what He wants though. He is taking me somewhere to show me how much I need Him, and only Him. To teach me how to relinquish control of myself. To have me in a place where I am totally enveloped in His presence. So as I try to steer my thoughts away from my fears, I keep thinking how I have longed for quite a while to go and just love on these precious people. I know that God's hand is on this trip. I know this is the time and place I am supposed to go. He has opened doors and paved the way for this from the very beginning, before the thought of missions even entered my mind. Even though I am scared and nervous I am so thankful He chose this path for me. I can't say thank you enough to everyone who has supported me financially and has been covering me, my team, and this trip in prayer.

Lord, let it not be about me, but Your words spoken from my lips. Your love felt through my touch. I am merely just a vessel.

"Who among the gods is like you, Lord? Who is like you - majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders? In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling." Exodus 15: 11, 13

worry monster.

I think as humans, we are all our own worst enemy. I try and carry more burdens than I ought to. Problems of this life, of this world, of these people, are not mine to bear. They have to be turned over to the Father. Why is so hard to accept this most generous offer? Why is it so hard to let Him have our pain? Why is so hard to just approach the Throne and let it go? Ephesians 3:12 says I may approach God with freedom and CONFIDENCE. Confidence that all things work together for my good, because I love Him (Romans 8:28). How offensive it must be, to say "here, God, I'll loosen up the reins a little bit, but I won't give it all to you. I'll offer you pieces of my struggles, of my life, but I don't trust you enough to let you handle everything."

Guilty.
But I have no reason, no excuse to be. When has He never come through for me? When has He ever failed me?
.....never. not once. 
I am only failing myself by letting my mind wander to those places of distrust and unworthiness.

"We are not puppets. We are not robots. We can control our thoughts. Maybe not the first one, because sometimes we are bombarded with something from out of nowhere. But we can control where we let that thought go. The second thought is ours. We control it.
...Or maybe someone at work said or did something that created more work for me (Very annoying!) Things like that happen to all of us. But I have noticed that I can either nurse that feeling until it is magnified, or I can catch the thought and stop the avalanche of bad thoughts that only produce destruction." -Holly Wagner

Worrying only solidifies the act of not trusting the perfect and flawfless will of God. Worrying is not going to achieve His plan for my life.

I pray for the Lord to take captive my thoughts. I pray for Him to meet me in my dreams. I pray for myself to reflect every joy back upon Him and release every struggle to Him....and let it STAY with Him. Lord, help me to surrrender it all.

His Hands.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave you
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave
I never leave your hands

To me this song is so beautiful. The lyrics are full of His promises. The Kingdom is unshakeable. No matter the trials we face, we remain in the palm of His perfect, loving hands. He is our safety and our refuge; our protector and healer. There is nothing in this world that I walk through alone. Circumstances that surround me are unsteady. But I have my HOPE and FOUNDATION in the Lord...the one constant and STABLE thing I can always count on, that can never be taken away from me.

So thankful.

Every high thing must come down.

All I can say is that this past weekend was phenomenal!! Friday night and most of the day Saturday I was at ReCreate, a women's conference held at my church. Some of the major things that really stuck out to me were...

• be a light, ALL the time. God is not a secret to be kept (Matt. 5:13-16 MSG). SHINE!
• God allows us to be in certain situations where we are DESPERATE for His power. This is something I think will be huge for me while I'm in Haiti. Fear, unfamiliarity, emotions I can't even begin to imagine...nothing, no one BUT God will get me through it.
• Fruit doesn't grow on mountain tops, it grows in the valleys. We are typically developed the most when facing a challenge. Courage grows in adversity.
• There are right and wrong responses to how we react to suffering. Focus more on what's happening IN you, rather than TO you. God always delivers. He has. He will. He will continue.
• God's love is inexhaustable. It reaches beyond all condemnation. He is always always always reaching out for me..I am his beloved.

Saturday night, after the conference, Darlene Zschech was recording her next live album at our church! We gathered the boys and enjoyed a fun and powerful night of worship! I was especially excited that Kari Jobe was there for a few songs...(I might be a little obsessed). That CD is going to be great for real.

Anyways, I got to thinking back to college days, and how my friends and I would get so excited for band parties and other events. Although fun at the time, I realized Saturday night that singing, dancing, jumping, and getting excited for Jesus is so much better and more fulfilling!! I don't regret that time in my life, but I am so thankful to be out of that stage and I'm just trying to focus on living out my sole purpose..to love and glorify God in every aspect of my life.

Every high thing must come down
Every stronghold shall be broken
You wear the victor's crown
You overcome, you overcome.

On my heart...

The YouVersion iphone app has a verse of the day. I usually open it at some point during my day, read the verse, and go on. Sometimes I'll read more of the passage...what is written before and after. Today's verse really struck me. The only thing visible on the screen were the first couple lines. Then I kept reading. It's nothing that I've never read or never heard before. But today, it hit me so hard.

He was looked down on and passed over,

    a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.

One look at him and people turned away.

    We looked down on him, thought he was scum.

But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—

    our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.

We thought he brought it on himself,

    that God was punishing him for his own failures.

But it was our sins that did that to him,

    that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!

He took the punishment, and that made us whole.

    Through his bruises we get healed.

We’re all like sheep who’ve wandered off and gotten lost.

    We’ve all done our own thing, gone our own way.

And God has piled all our sins, everything we’ve done wrong,

    on him.

Isaiah 53:3-6, the Message 

I am so unworthy of this kind of love. When I read those words, I picture so much sadness on Jesus' face. Can you imagine someone disrespecting you, hating you so much, spitting on you, saying the worst words in the world to you? You SURELY wouldn't want to do anything nice for them. It would even be hard to simply forgive them. But Jesus did. He forgives. He is kind. He loves beyond any capacity our minds can understand. There is nothing sweeter.

place of FREEDOM

I love the weekends I get to spend with Joseph in Montgomery. It's really the only time we get quality "us" time. Since our best friends are in Birmingham, we are always on the GO when he comes up here...which I love too! There are no words to describe the relationships we are so lucky to have. Special, special people for sure! But it is also so nice to relax and be a bum for a few days :). I think it is definitely important for us to have time to reconnect and not be caught up in everything else going on in life. I am so thankful for the man of God he is, the encouragement and leadership he provides to me and others around him daily, and his genuine heart. I am thankful God changed us individually, so we can serve Him TOGETHER. Sappy, but had to brag on my man a little!

I've been reflecting a lot lately on the past few months. I have felt more joy, peace, and contentment than...ever. No, life is not perfect and every day is not sunflowers and cupcakes. But I try to focus on the GOOD in my life, there is so much. It's so easy to focus on the negative and be miserable. Happiness is a choice...daily. Wake up and choose to be joyful. Life is much much more enjoyable with a good attitude! And Jesus....oh how life is so wonderful with him!! He is so good.
And something else that is so good......Highlands Worship "Place of Freedom"

Can't..
Stop...
Listening....
Seriously... So good.
I love my church!
 

Heading to Haiti!

I already figured when I started this blog that I wouldn't have much to say...I guess I was right seeing as how it has been a good while since I have written anything.

The biggest thing happening in my life right now, I am excited to announce, is that in 3 months I will be traveling to HAITI for 8 days! For about the past year or so, the Lord has put a heavy burden on my heart to LOVE on the orphans. This trip has been something I have prayed about, doubted, had confirmation, and repeated the cycle several times. I have doubted that God would really use me. I have doubted my ability to function in circumstances so far beyond my comfort zone (including especially my FIRST flight!). I have doubted that I could afford it. But I have to remember all the promises in His Word. He will never leave me. He will go BEFORE me. He will go WITH me. He will provide. He will break my heart for the people I will meet and prepare their hearts to receive His goodness. I am so thankful to honestly have the most encouraging and supportive people behind me and to have a job that allows me to take this opportunity.

On the lighter side, Joseph and his mother have an "over/under" bet on how many Haitian babies I will try to bring home. Joseph's prediction is..."all of them" ha!

"And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is why the Scriptures say, 'How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news!'" Romans 10:15

Romans 6:10-11

I trust that I am right where I need to be. I believe we face pain and trials in order for God to develop us, to strengthen us, and to make us appreciative of His blessings.

Around this time last year, I began struggling with pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks. Honestly, it made me feel handicapped and helpless. I was scared to do anything/go anywhere by myself, I had trouble driving by myself,  and I became extremely dependent on people, especially my mom. Coincidentally, this all started happening about the same time I started getting back involved with church and really trying to strengthen my relationship the Lord. I began to realize that this was satan gaining a foothold in my life. I knew this was going to be a spiritual warfare for me. I DID NOT want the enemy to have that power over me. It definitely taught me to rely on God for literally everything...the littlest everyday things that we usually don't even think about. I wasn't always successful in fully trusting Him...sometimes I would let myself get so trapped and caught up in certain emotions and fears. But God is faithful and He stayed with me in the valley and has brought me back out. And He has given me the strongest support system and best friends I could ever ask for. These true, covenant relationships are definitely heaven sent and I couldn't brag enough on how wonderful these friends are!

This prayer was sent to me in an email today, about putting on the Armor of God.  I think it's definitely a good thing to print out and put somewhere to see every morning and pray!

Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.  Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. Romans 6:10-11

You are such a kind Father. You do not send children to the front lines to be annihilated by an enemy who is too strong for any child. You've given me everything I need to be victorious over any tactic, scheme, strategy, or plan of the enemy. While he may be cunning and know me well, (for he knows where and when to strike), Your weapons are mighty and promise a way of escape. At the end of the day, I will stand on my feet like David, assessing Goliath, who lay in defeat though he came fully armed except for a stone-sized piece of exposed forehead. I anticipate victory today because my weaponry is fashioned by You.

So, make me a soldier. If I have been defeated, it's because I did not anticipate the battle, did not make use of Your armor, and did not prepare ahead of time to fight. Today, I put on the pieces of armor You have provided for me. It is the armor of Light. It is me, putting on You, the Lord Jesus Christ.

I put on the helmet of salvation. Protect my thoughts. Bind my mind to Yours. Conform all my thoughts to Your thoughts.

I put on the breastplate of righteousness. Protect my heart, my most vital organ. Conform my desires to Your desires. I long to love what You love and hate what You hate today.

I put on the belt of truth. No matter what comes at me, I make a vow to stand in Truth. Expose deception quickly so that I can plant my feet in the foundation of what is safe and secure, Your very Words.

I put on the shoes of peace. The terrain of my life can be slippery and hard to maneuver. I often don't know how to be a righteous peacemaker. Don't let me love peace more than truth, Lord. Show me today when peace is needed and when truth is more important than peace.

I take up the shield of faith. I am adjusting my mindset to believe You today even when it seems ludicrous. I believe You even though You may look guilty. No matter what, no matter whom, I choose to believe You; I'll believe who You say I am, who You say You are, and how life works in the kingdom.

I take up the sword of the Spirit. Oh God, make me a marksman with the Word. I anticipate, now, the areas where I will be tempted today. Give me two scriptures that target my temptations. I am writing them out, Lord, and will have them ready for that hour. When your enemy comes and the compulsion to sin is in front of my face, I will open my mouth and read Your Words out loud - and will do this until the enemy flees. I know he will persevere, increase the effort, but I will take up the sword and have Your Word on my tongue each time he assaults. Arm me with Your strategic arrows on my tongue. Let me sense, even hear, the snarl of a defeated foe as he retreats. Give me victory where I've had none.

I repent now of any sin that would separate us today and dull my spiritual senses. Cleanse me of all unrighteousness. Deliver me of all lingering effects of evil. Send me, Your holy child, into battle ready and alert.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Son of God, I pray these things. In the name of Jesus Christ, Son of God, I stand. Amen

Leap of Faith

I'll be the first to admit I have stubborn tendencies. Last night I realized how incredibly stubborn I have been with God. He has given me a passion and desire that could only come from Him, and I have asked for confirmation after confirmation after confirmation. And I get the same answer every time. Finally, I have decided to stop questioning. It's time for me to take a leap of faith. Time to swim out to the middle of the river where I am fully relying on Him in every aspect to keep me afloat. I will not fear the unknown. God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity (2 Timothy 1:7) and His perfect love casts out ALL fear, because there is no fear in love (1 John 4:18). I am strong and filled with His power. I am safest in the center of His will, and that's where I will aim to be. I want to do His work, not my work. I've got to stop being so selfish and really pour all of myself into Jesus and His plans for my life. I'm ready.

Here I am, Lord. Send me.

He is.

I am a daughter of the King. He is my Father and I am His princess. He delights in me. He loves me with an unfailing, UNFATHOMABLE love.Who am I to think that I can do ANYTHING apart from Him?! He gives me the strength I need to get through every day. He fills me with power to overcome. He fights for me. He walks by my side and never leaves me. He is patient with me when I am impatient. He brings me back when I go astray. He restores my soul and refreshes my spirit. He heals my heart. He still wants the best for me even when I have trouble trusting Him. I live in freedom because of how incredibly awesome my Savior is! He breaks strongholds, He tears down walls that keep us from Him and all the good things He wants for us! How awesome is it that the same God who controls the wind, oceans, and ALL creation lives in and loves little ole me?! He deserves so much more than I could ever give Him.

The past month has brought about all sorts of changes in my life. But I am seeing first hand the abundant blessings He pours down on us when are obedient to Him. He knows what He is doing...if we would just stop fighting and going against the current, get in His Presence and LISTEN, He will give us peace and HE will direct our steps. I want all the blessings and gifts He has for me. But that will never happen if I continue to try and live my way. To love Jesus with my whole heart means I have to trust Him with my whole life. Something that a sweet friend of mine said that has really stuck with me is that if I don't completely trust God, I am not completely loving Him. I don't want to hold back any longer. I want to receive everything He wants to give me. Where He leads me, I want to go. Have your way, Lord.


"The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand."
Psalm 37:23-24

Trust and Obey

If you asked me a couple months ago where I thought I would be today...well, where I am currently is not the answer I would have given! It's funny sometimes to reflect back over a certain period of time and see how God orchestrates people, events, situations, etc. in our lives that all of the sudden make perfect sense! I have been extremely extremely blessed to have been spending the last 10 weeks in a small group with the most amazing women, who have now become some of my closest friends! As we get to know each other more, there is no explanation other than God placed each of us there specifically. He just knew. And He has shown up in a BIG way. I am learning two very difficult lessons...obedience and trust.Obedience is hard because my ways are often not His ways! And sometimes His ways can be painful. Then, I have to trust that by obeying, He WILL take care of me. I may not understand, I may suffer a little, but in letting go and losing my control, I will ultimately be in the center of His plan for my life. Rest in His promises. Constantly be in an attitude of worship.

SURRENDER

The past couple weeks have been a bit of a rollercoaster. I was sick, had a death in the family, now sick again. Through all the "negative" I love seeing God's hand still at work. He still draws me to Him, wanting more, and teaches and shows me things through every circumstance. My pawpaw passed away 10 years ago. My FAVORITE memory with him was going out in the yard and hitting the baseball....for anyone who knows me and my non-athleticism, that's probably a shocker. I could have done that all day everyday. 5 years ago, my grandmother remarried. It was a second marriage for both her and Pete. He had been pretty sick over the past year and passed away last Monday. It's hard to be thankful over something so sad, but it's wonderful to know he is forever healed and will never be sick again. PTL. To say that my grandmother is the strongest woman I know is a big understatement. She is my hero. And now that I am older, I am glad we can share a friendship.

Lately, I have been trying to remember to surrender daily...my words, thoughts, actions, attitude, etc. I guess it's pretty common to believe that surrendering is a one time deal that you do when you get saved. I think for a lot of people, too, it carries a negative connotation. People don't want to surrender because to them it means they are giving it up (whatever "it" may be) and won't be in control anymore. But the peace and blessings God showers us with in return is so much better! I can be such a worrier sometimes it consumes me. Sometimes the enemy will put thoughts in my head out of absolutely nowhere. I feel so much better, though, when I let God take those burdens off my shoulders. Afterall, He did promise He would do that for us. :)

Love day!

I am so thankful that God has blessed me with a wonderful man to share my heart with! I am thankful that the "I love you's" and the flowers, gifts, candy, dates, etc. don't only come one day a year (even though he did send me some pretty awesome flowers today)! We also celebrated this past weekend with a sushi date, of course, and some AMAZING cupcakes from GiGi's! My two favorite foods!

But as much as I love my Joseph, I have to love my Jesus more. After all, "we love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19). And He loves us STILL. FOREVER. NO MATTER WHAT. And it is through Him, we are able to love others. I know a lot of times I have to be mindful of how I love. If someone hurts my feelings or makes me angry, it's so easy to let my flesh take over and react based upon those feelings in a not so loving way or with not so loving words or thoughts. I struggle with it daily but my goal is to love through whatever circumstances or environment I'm in, because that's "what Jesus would do". He calls us to love EVERYONE because we are ALL His children. Not just the people we like, get along with, who are nice to us. Everyone needs love and we can all show it to someone in some way.

"From the bottom of my heart I’ll sing to You
From the depths of who I am I love You
With everything inside I’ll run to You
‘Cause all that I’ve become I owe to You

Nothing in this world could ever separate us
I will love You more than anyone on earth
Nothing I desire could ever satisfy me the way that You do

You are my forever love"

Newbie

I never thought I would be one to have a blog. I enjoy reading them sometimes but I never thought I would have enough to say to start my own. So..we'll see how it goes I guess!

I feel like the Lord is going to take me on an incredible journey this year. Last night my pastor preached a few minutes on "vision"..I have never in my life felt God's presence so strongly. He confirmed every doubt I have been having about my passion and I just broke down. Everything became so clear. I have been trying to talk myself out of things because of MY fears, MY insecurities...slap in the face: it's not about ME! He hasn't called me to live in my comfort zone bubble for the rest of my life. I have to trust that he will come through always and 100% rely on Him. He is always with me and NOTHING can happen to me without passing through Him first! What a comfort. I am so excited about future opportunities and hoping that no matter what I will bring glory to His name!